Torn Apart

To tear you from my heart

is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Letting go of the past,

the best years of my life,

is so much harder than I thought.

I never thought I would want to let you go.

But if I don't I'd be lost in a life of doubt and regret.

So what is there left for me now?

Except for the material things around me.

It's the little things that drag me down,

down to the ground.

I stare at the time,

and I realize ,

it's never been a friend of mine...

Bitter Change

I have been sleepwalking in this nightmare,

the dreams they hurt my soul.

I awake only to realize

I am missing the past.

And it seems I just can't let it go,

even though I know it's all long gone.

All her feelings, everything we had

lies in a distant past.

I recall the bitter change.

The day she planted the seed of doubt in my head.

How badly it hurt.

It still haunts me to this day,

as my head still refuses to let go.

These feelings of loss

still rip the heart out of me.

Deprived

I always want what I can never get.

Defeated I stand in my life,

always deprived from the things that matter the most to me.

I feel empty and miserable,

but everyone always see me smile.

I scream but no one hears me.

I'm so far out of sight.

I see my life lived in a lie,

and stand powerless aside.

It fills me with anger towards myself.

How have I become such a coward?

Unable to live my life like I should.

I spit on myself and all that I want.

So I just turn my back and walk away.

Encumbered Ego

Why am I encumbered by this useless ego?
It seems like it thinks that I'm the centre of attention,
that all revolves around me.
This life that I'm living isn't special at all
so why would anybody care?
It sickens me to think about it.
How I think people try to tell me things,
while they have their own problems and lifes.
So I read and write creating this lie I tell myself.
And I'm too blind to see
that I'm deceiving no one but me.
Does this make me bad?
Or could there be some truth to my lies?
So many questions are being raised everyday,
while I'm missing the point of this life of mine.
I seem to have lost the ability to pursue my happiness.

Starless

I used to read the stars

and knew exactly what they meant.

I used to call them by name,

every lil' one of them.

They gave me peace of mind,

took all my pain away.

Yet somehow I got lost,

couldn't find my way.

The pain found its way to me.

Fell on hard times even though

there was still a star that kept me going.

Its light was faint,

but shining nonetheless.

It once saved me from a starless life.

It saved me.

Drown In Silence

I can't help but feel lost at sea,

drifting away from every known shore.

I understand the weight of my words,

but don't let me drown in silence.

I have aged badly,

Tragically,

Alone.

But I don't expect anything more

than someone to talk to me.

Just don't make me feel like a castaway.

Don't ignore my simple request,

for but a mere moment of your time.

Self Betrayal

No matter how bad I feel,

I am the one who fucked myself up.

I am the one who betrayed everything I loved.

My youthful ignorance led me to believe

that I would be better off by myself.

That there was not much left for me

but the bitter taste of loss.

Yet I reaped what I had sown.

I lacked the faith in the one person I had loved.

Hard was the year I had lived through.

Loneliness and doubt were all I experienced.

If I could only have seen her point of view. 

If I only believed what she actually felt.

But I failed her miserably,

losing everything I ever wanted in this world.

No more love,

no more solace for my tainted soul.

Schism

I know the pieces fit.

Because I saw them fall away.

Left with years worth of regret,

solace never came.

No matter how hard I tried to tear her from my mind,

she's still there with all the scars left in my heart.

There's nobody holding me.

It keeps reminding me that I am all alone.

This nobody makes me feel abandoned.

All this pain is no illusion.

I keep telling myself:

No one got left here,

and everything's just fine.

But yet I would sacrifice my remaining days on this earth

just to be with her 

one last time.

Tired

I struggle to go on,

every step before me is a challenge beyond words.

I came so far only to look back

and see there is no return.

No possibilities to set everything right,

no chance to correct past mistakes.

I am so very tired of this road before me.

So tired of this meaningless existence of mine.

Day after day without joy or love.

Seemingly deprived from a way out,

stuck in my everyday hell.

So tired of masking it all.

Too tired to carry on pretending.

Too tired to carry on...

Cling On

I sit in silence and contemplate

the things I don't want to think about.

To dream about this confronting thought

is hard enough to accept, let alone believe.

People carry on with life,

while I'm just standing still.

I'm not sure anymore,

of what I once used to believe.

Time passed me by,

it changed me a little every day.

Yet I cling on to emotions I once lived.

Afraid to lose everything I once held dear.

Still everything has changed,

leaving me alone with long lost memories.

Stuck in the past,

lost for direction.

Writings

Of course I still read what you wrote.

It's been such a long time.

I've grown old and weary,

Cold and grey of hair.

And just so very alone since I had to live my life

without you.

Even after all I've been through with you,

I still cannot deny that I feel the same.

I still feel like that nineteen year old boy,

lost in a love so deep.

It seems like it's been such a long time.

I know I've never been perfect, 

and I know I messed up.

But it won't ever change the way

how my heart beats for you.