Confusing days with strange pleasant emotions. Cover
me up with dust before I confess my thoughts.
What is up with all of this? I like her so much and
yet I don't know why.
Is this love or just a thing to be? Holding back what
I think, hiding my doubt untill I'm sure.
Is this what I want or do I continue like a freak in
pain? Suffering with bad feelings and misery in my
trail. Is this all just some game?
Where the winner takes the blame while the loser points
and screams. Playing around with my feelings just
to strike and break what is left.
Or is it indeed what I hope it is. Finally true love,
honest and sincere. Which crawls under ones skin
just to empoison the whole body.
Help me out, help me get in. Will someone help...
1.1.02
Queasy
Kill the noises around me. Got no one to which I can
confide what is wrong with me.
I can't concede any of the wild guesses and suspicions made
to my adress. I can't liberate the deepest hurt I'm
experiencing. Trying to introduce the shit inside me would
be useless as nobody would understand.
Incurring myself by muting my mouth while the
thaughts run free.
A rare feeling of emptyness fills me. Nostalgic images
of who I used to love. Seeing facets of their relations which
never had been given to me. My lips are dry while I
procure the things that I never had obtained.
Once I ran to them now I crawl away while I notice
I'm queasy.
I slump into a dried up wasteland, smacked down
while hearing my bones snap with amazing ease.
Lie there bleeding in that empty place where i can't
be set free.
confide what is wrong with me.
I can't concede any of the wild guesses and suspicions made
to my adress. I can't liberate the deepest hurt I'm
experiencing. Trying to introduce the shit inside me would
be useless as nobody would understand.
Incurring myself by muting my mouth while the
thaughts run free.
A rare feeling of emptyness fills me. Nostalgic images
of who I used to love. Seeing facets of their relations which
never had been given to me. My lips are dry while I
procure the things that I never had obtained.
Once I ran to them now I crawl away while I notice
I'm queasy.
I slump into a dried up wasteland, smacked down
while hearing my bones snap with amazing ease.
Lie there bleeding in that empty place where i can't
be set free.
Pretty people
Enter the revolting room...
Everywhere around us we're flooded by pictures of pretty people.
Making me feel bad about myself, the confrontation with the frustration
which is my body. Creating the perfect image for us all,
indoctrinating our views. Taught to be as "cool" as you can be.
Feeling like a fucking freak kicked and overrun by the masses
which hate me. Nothing gets easier.
I accept this ugly shell which hides my real being. The
surface is so cold and worthless but still
the roots are deep.
Stare all the image of beauty telling myself to fuck off.
Telling the world to leave me alone as I found out I'm too
late once more. Not keeping up appearances and
feeling part of realistic,"real", people. Abandon fake aesthetic
disguises to accept myself for what I am.
An ugly "fucked up" freak like I have always been.
Everywhere around us we're flooded by pictures of pretty people.
Making me feel bad about myself, the confrontation with the frustration
which is my body. Creating the perfect image for us all,
indoctrinating our views. Taught to be as "cool" as you can be.
Feeling like a fucking freak kicked and overrun by the masses
which hate me. Nothing gets easier.
I accept this ugly shell which hides my real being. The
surface is so cold and worthless but still
the roots are deep.
Stare all the image of beauty telling myself to fuck off.
Telling the world to leave me alone as I found out I'm too
late once more. Not keeping up appearances and
feeling part of realistic,"real", people. Abandon fake aesthetic
disguises to accept myself for what I am.
An ugly "fucked up" freak like I have always been.
Ripped
See myself fading in the unreal realm of tomorrow.
Erasing the fingerprints as I have never existed.
I'm grabbing around me trying to hold on what's left of
my past.
Muting the sounds around me, the silence is what drives me
away from what's left of my sanity.
The blood runs from my veins into the evening, Breathe in, Bleed
out.
Take away my life as you already
took my love,
took my hope and
took my feelings.
Creep up beside my rotting past try to escape from this life
which is left in me.
Erasing the fingerprints as I have never existed.
I'm grabbing around me trying to hold on what's left of
my past.
Muting the sounds around me, the silence is what drives me
away from what's left of my sanity.
The blood runs from my veins into the evening, Breathe in, Bleed
out.
Take away my life as you already
took my love,
took my hope and
took my feelings.
Creep up beside my rotting past try to escape from this life
which is left in me.
Woes
Sadness kicks my mind, suddenly as always. Want to be
released from all sorrows, freed from the mangling hurt
which terrorizes my soul.
Look in my eyes, see them beg to come bleed with me, come
suffocate with me.
Suffering cuz of the ignorance about you. Wondering how and
where you're wandering. Contemplating future scenarios for
your life, can't find an happy end as things are going now.
Dig inside the wounds stitch myself inside and fester in
the agony. I'm reaching out while trying to touch
my pain, the cause of all my woes.
Reject all positivism and feed ont he insults, fueling my
anger. Extremely flammable, ready to explode.
Look inside yourself and find your ugly side...
You look so seamless now while spasms control
your body.
Stick the needles in my, stick the needles in.
released from all sorrows, freed from the mangling hurt
which terrorizes my soul.
Look in my eyes, see them beg to come bleed with me, come
suffocate with me.
Suffering cuz of the ignorance about you. Wondering how and
where you're wandering. Contemplating future scenarios for
your life, can't find an happy end as things are going now.
Dig inside the wounds stitch myself inside and fester in
the agony. I'm reaching out while trying to touch
my pain, the cause of all my woes.
Reject all positivism and feed ont he insults, fueling my
anger. Extremely flammable, ready to explode.
Look inside yourself and find your ugly side...
You look so seamless now while spasms control
your body.
Stick the needles in my, stick the needles in.
Recognition
Another boring trip by train. Everyday the same ride with
the same old faces through the same old landscape.
Yet 2day is different. I'm sitting alone on the bench while
the passengers flow into the wagon.
The she comes in, doesn't really look spectaculair but
somehow I have a feeling of déjà-vu. Can't put my finger
on it but she looks so familiar and cute at the same time.
As I watch her I notice that she's watching me 2. The feeling
of recognition becomes stronger and slowly the pieces
of the past return in the right order.
I come to find the link which made our paths cross before but
it's in a distant past. When she was just a girl and I was
just some boy. Long years of pain, happiness and anger have past
since then and both we've changed a lot but still we're the
same.
Stare in her eyes as she stares back but afraid to say anything.
Turn down my eyes cuz all it was was something beautiful.
Stunned by my thoughts an uncertain look goes to her as she does exact the same.
The train slows down and I know I have to leave but my soul
tells me to go with her. Torn between emotions and rational
thoughts once more.
Get off the train and think of her as she sees me watching her
as the train leaves with her out of my life. Breaking up our
paths again......
the same old faces through the same old landscape.
Yet 2day is different. I'm sitting alone on the bench while
the passengers flow into the wagon.
The she comes in, doesn't really look spectaculair but
somehow I have a feeling of déjà-vu. Can't put my finger
on it but she looks so familiar and cute at the same time.
As I watch her I notice that she's watching me 2. The feeling
of recognition becomes stronger and slowly the pieces
of the past return in the right order.
I come to find the link which made our paths cross before but
it's in a distant past. When she was just a girl and I was
just some boy. Long years of pain, happiness and anger have past
since then and both we've changed a lot but still we're the
same.
Stare in her eyes as she stares back but afraid to say anything.
Turn down my eyes cuz all it was was something beautiful.
Stunned by my thoughts an uncertain look goes to her as she does exact the same.
The train slows down and I know I have to leave but my soul
tells me to go with her. Torn between emotions and rational
thoughts once more.
Get off the train and think of her as she sees me watching her
as the train leaves with her out of my life. Breaking up our
paths again......
Out of reach
Only twice, had I had the opportunity to see you.
Two encounters with a girl with charisma as
powerfull as nothing I've ever felt.
Set aside all prejudices of other people still she rises
above them.
Something in her look gave me a deep sense of love.
The feeling never could be mutual and still I gazed
at her beauty while she looked in my eyes.
Making myself believe that she's loving me ass well, just
to feel happy while I'm around her. Alone with her
in that room or listening while she explains something
while surrounded by attentive students. The smile
on her face as I speak to her and the sound of her laugh
makes my feelings grow profounder.
But that was the past, two times I saw you. Always out
of reach even though I wished you could be mine.
Dedicated to Hannelore Vanderbeken
Two encounters with a girl with charisma as
powerfull as nothing I've ever felt.
Set aside all prejudices of other people still she rises
above them.
Something in her look gave me a deep sense of love.
The feeling never could be mutual and still I gazed
at her beauty while she looked in my eyes.
Making myself believe that she's loving me ass well, just
to feel happy while I'm around her. Alone with her
in that room or listening while she explains something
while surrounded by attentive students. The smile
on her face as I speak to her and the sound of her laugh
makes my feelings grow profounder.
But that was the past, two times I saw you. Always out
of reach even though I wished you could be mine.
Dedicated to Hannelore Vanderbeken
Curtainholes
Awaken from a tortured sleep. Find myself in a enlighted room,
the rays of sunlight shine through the holes of the curtain.
Reality slowly starts entering my sleepy mind. Try to resist
it but reality has no mercy.
Come to find reality again, like every other day in my fucked
up life. As I get up and my mind gets clearer, I feel the pain
come back to me.
Used to think of you to make the pain go away but now the pain
is unleashed on me without any boundaries. No one to help me
get out of this fucking misery.
As another day passes on I endure the everyday insult
that is my life. Carve the flesh which hasn't been fouled
before.
Don't fucking care anymore. I don't care about anyone or
anything. There's only one person which I can trust, ME.
I've been lied to more then once, looked in the face and tricked
behind my back. Always receiving the pain and never giving
it to another.
Fuck it... I'll get by by myself
the rays of sunlight shine through the holes of the curtain.
Reality slowly starts entering my sleepy mind. Try to resist
it but reality has no mercy.
Come to find reality again, like every other day in my fucked
up life. As I get up and my mind gets clearer, I feel the pain
come back to me.
Used to think of you to make the pain go away but now the pain
is unleashed on me without any boundaries. No one to help me
get out of this fucking misery.
As another day passes on I endure the everyday insult
that is my life. Carve the flesh which hasn't been fouled
before.
Don't fucking care anymore. I don't care about anyone or
anything. There's only one person which I can trust, ME.
I've been lied to more then once, looked in the face and tricked
behind my back. Always receiving the pain and never giving
it to another.
Fuck it... I'll get by by myself
Naked flesh
Life goes on as time passes in my head. I carry on with my life, not
trying to hide the feelings inside. Try to regain control of my life
as I return to a different state of mind.
I feel something missing, can't really figure out what.
I'm tired of wondering what, so fucking tired of thinking
about the past. I want to move on but something's holding me
back. Keeping me down in to the ground. I close my eyes and
clear my mind.
Try to forget the misery and pain while erasing myself. Faded love
is disappearing slowly, moving in to the back of my mind.
Purity of mind restored but not totally completed. Don't know if it will
ever be perfect again.
Even though I'm not happy, I don't feel the urge to kill myself or even
contemplate suicide. My mind in some kind of peace while my heart
is healing slowly. Hide the naked flesh from my soul so it can
recover from it's wounds.
Ready to face life again, give me your best shot...
I'll still be standing when I come back.
trying to hide the feelings inside. Try to regain control of my life
as I return to a different state of mind.
I feel something missing, can't really figure out what.
I'm tired of wondering what, so fucking tired of thinking
about the past. I want to move on but something's holding me
back. Keeping me down in to the ground. I close my eyes and
clear my mind.
Try to forget the misery and pain while erasing myself. Faded love
is disappearing slowly, moving in to the back of my mind.
Purity of mind restored but not totally completed. Don't know if it will
ever be perfect again.
Even though I'm not happy, I don't feel the urge to kill myself or even
contemplate suicide. My mind in some kind of peace while my heart
is healing slowly. Hide the naked flesh from my soul so it can
recover from it's wounds.
Ready to face life again, give me your best shot...
I'll still be standing when I come back.
Re:
I just read your letter, it made me feel so sick that I had to
step outside. The rain felt my pain as I started walking. Raindrops
running from my hair into my face. Feeling the cold liquid
crawling across my cheek. Too shocked to do anything about it.
Some drops fall on my dry lips which are cracked open. The cool
water refreshes the flesh which burns with pain.
My soaked clothes don't bother me anymore as my wet body
feels the cold.
Still I walk on and feel the pain turn against me.
Betrayed by her as she wrote that letter. The art of treachery
denies what we once had and what we could have.
Still crave for her but can't do anything about the fact
that it's over.
Love has fled from her heart, a heart that doesn't
belong to me anymore.
I turn my head and see the rain kissing the river. Understand
that I'm not feeling good, I feel fucked and alone when I stare
out there.
Think by myself, will the sun ever shine for me again...
step outside. The rain felt my pain as I started walking. Raindrops
running from my hair into my face. Feeling the cold liquid
crawling across my cheek. Too shocked to do anything about it.
Some drops fall on my dry lips which are cracked open. The cool
water refreshes the flesh which burns with pain.
My soaked clothes don't bother me anymore as my wet body
feels the cold.
Still I walk on and feel the pain turn against me.
Betrayed by her as she wrote that letter. The art of treachery
denies what we once had and what we could have.
Still crave for her but can't do anything about the fact
that it's over.
Love has fled from her heart, a heart that doesn't
belong to me anymore.
I turn my head and see the rain kissing the river. Understand
that I'm not feeling good, I feel fucked and alone when I stare
out there.
Think by myself, will the sun ever shine for me again...
Tormented
So called happiness, created by anticipation of a naïve person.
Hard to see the reality that lies hidden in her mind. Once those
thoughts were liberated, he found himself abandonned.
The sweet smell of the first flowers enters his senses. Memories
which have faded long ago come back to his mind. From the
times without misery, filled with happy thoughts and
funny stories.
Long lost times which torment his heart as he compares it
with the present. Can't receive the obvious, a little bit of love
and understanding. Again musing about the love he didn't really
got from her.
Knowing she's happy with another, happier then she ever was
with him. Longing that he could be as happy as her, but the pain
makes it seem impossible. Gloomy he tries to forget about it, doesn't
want to destroy the feelings she has now.
Sacrifices his own personal happiness for hers without any grievance
cuz it's a burden he'll be carrying for quite awhile.
He continues his life though he's alone. No one to take his hand
and lead him to happiness.He found that his solitude is slowly
killing him while he's searching with desperate hands so numb.
Left in oceans of seemingly endless bleeding.
Hard to see the reality that lies hidden in her mind. Once those
thoughts were liberated, he found himself abandonned.
The sweet smell of the first flowers enters his senses. Memories
which have faded long ago come back to his mind. From the
times without misery, filled with happy thoughts and
funny stories.
Long lost times which torment his heart as he compares it
with the present. Can't receive the obvious, a little bit of love
and understanding. Again musing about the love he didn't really
got from her.
Knowing she's happy with another, happier then she ever was
with him. Longing that he could be as happy as her, but the pain
makes it seem impossible. Gloomy he tries to forget about it, doesn't
want to destroy the feelings she has now.
Sacrifices his own personal happiness for hers without any grievance
cuz it's a burden he'll be carrying for quite awhile.
He continues his life though he's alone. No one to take his hand
and lead him to happiness.He found that his solitude is slowly
killing him while he's searching with desperate hands so numb.
Left in oceans of seemingly endless bleeding.
Meadow
Let it all go. Your catharsis says more than words ever will
tell. Set free your deepest thoughts, I'm here to listen.
Release all frustrations and let me dry your tears. Kill the
anger inside of you and kiss your pain away.
Follow me into this quiet little place. A secret garden
for the both of us, away from the world. Together in
our private small universe, nobody but us in a magical
meadow. Make you feel the peace and rest while you
slumber in my arms.
Gently press my lips on yours and kiss you, close my
eyes and feel this intense emotion spread over our
bodies. No doubt about it, it was love I felt.
Never wanna let you go away from me. Guard you
from the hurting and people who want to abuse you.
Let me help you when you need it, let me holdyou
when you're feeling down.
Let me love you as long as you love me.
To my little bitch
tell. Set free your deepest thoughts, I'm here to listen.
Release all frustrations and let me dry your tears. Kill the
anger inside of you and kiss your pain away.
Follow me into this quiet little place. A secret garden
for the both of us, away from the world. Together in
our private small universe, nobody but us in a magical
meadow. Make you feel the peace and rest while you
slumber in my arms.
Gently press my lips on yours and kiss you, close my
eyes and feel this intense emotion spread over our
bodies. No doubt about it, it was love I felt.
Never wanna let you go away from me. Guard you
from the hurting and people who want to abuse you.
Let me help you when you need it, let me holdyou
when you're feeling down.
Let me love you as long as you love me.
To my little bitch
F-U
Slaughtered dozens motherfuckers in my mind, like the cattle they
are. This hideous monster inside me crawls away from the light but
feeds on the dark thoughts. No pity for the suckers that suffer each
day. I rape you all mentally and leave you feeling naked
and abused. Surprising everybody with these (SIC) thoughts, they keep
getting worse and uncontrolable. Don't fuck with me or even think
about hurting me. I'll destroy your world before I start to feast on
your pain. Take my hate and feel the wraith, try to understand
what created all of this. Society tried to penetrate my skull and
fueled the anger. Tried to shape me, tried to bend me into a mindless,
gutless blanc piece of shit. Guess what motherfuckers, you failed.
Never will I give in to your rules. I'll try to free the ignorant of mind,
scream out to my peers and awaken the slumbering revolution.
Time to wake up and smell the scam, time to arise from the masses
that kept us down...
are. This hideous monster inside me crawls away from the light but
feeds on the dark thoughts. No pity for the suckers that suffer each
day. I rape you all mentally and leave you feeling naked
and abused. Surprising everybody with these (SIC) thoughts, they keep
getting worse and uncontrolable. Don't fuck with me or even think
about hurting me. I'll destroy your world before I start to feast on
your pain. Take my hate and feel the wraith, try to understand
what created all of this. Society tried to penetrate my skull and
fueled the anger. Tried to shape me, tried to bend me into a mindless,
gutless blanc piece of shit. Guess what motherfuckers, you failed.
Never will I give in to your rules. I'll try to free the ignorant of mind,
scream out to my peers and awaken the slumbering revolution.
Time to wake up and smell the scam, time to arise from the masses
that kept us down...
Twisted mind
I look at you. You don't seem to notice how my eyes
rest on you. Considered as a friend I'm around you.
Just friendship when I'm around, when I talk to you.
But my heart pounds harder when I see you, the feeling
inside feels like the soft rain on a burning day.
I've known you for awhile but never expressed
how I feel. Sure that you don't feel the same way and
scared to tell.
This subliminal feeling hasn't faded in time. While
I kept staring my mind got twisted and sick.
How can I continue this life while loving you? Grasping
my mind, fake my friendly feelings during your presence.
Your endless smile makes me long for happyness. Your
beautiful character increases my desire for my own catharsis.
This unreal scenario thrives me into an uncertain,
confused state of mind.
Trapped between the walls of doubt. Suffocating because
of the pain. Feel me in your arms and forget what
it's like to be my friend...
rest on you. Considered as a friend I'm around you.
Just friendship when I'm around, when I talk to you.
But my heart pounds harder when I see you, the feeling
inside feels like the soft rain on a burning day.
I've known you for awhile but never expressed
how I feel. Sure that you don't feel the same way and
scared to tell.
This subliminal feeling hasn't faded in time. While
I kept staring my mind got twisted and sick.
How can I continue this life while loving you? Grasping
my mind, fake my friendly feelings during your presence.
Your endless smile makes me long for happyness. Your
beautiful character increases my desire for my own catharsis.
This unreal scenario thrives me into an uncertain,
confused state of mind.
Trapped between the walls of doubt. Suffocating because
of the pain. Feel me in your arms and forget what
it's like to be my friend...
Past
My mind often dwells in the past. Lately I'm
reminded of a person which I loved.
Reliving the moments of joy and happyness, thoughts
which fill my veins with a desire to start all over.
Slowly the day draws nearer and after all this time I
still didn't forgot. The day when the dream shattered
in my world leaving a chaotic trace of past events.
Absolutely devestated I sat and stared at my
hands not able to think straight. Shaking while weeping
inside, sick of being me in this shit that is my
life. Grabbing my hair and try to control myself though
failing while trying. Was it a mistake to love you?
The time wasn't wasted on you. Every moment of
the day was worth while when you loved me.
Your face was on my mind while my mind was
with you.
But that's a long past even though it hurts sometimes, I
can't forget you. It's easy to feel the pain even
though it fades away.
Close my eyes and fall asleep, I'm already gone.
I'm in way too deep.
reminded of a person which I loved.
Reliving the moments of joy and happyness, thoughts
which fill my veins with a desire to start all over.
Slowly the day draws nearer and after all this time I
still didn't forgot. The day when the dream shattered
in my world leaving a chaotic trace of past events.
Absolutely devestated I sat and stared at my
hands not able to think straight. Shaking while weeping
inside, sick of being me in this shit that is my
life. Grabbing my hair and try to control myself though
failing while trying. Was it a mistake to love you?
The time wasn't wasted on you. Every moment of
the day was worth while when you loved me.
Your face was on my mind while my mind was
with you.
But that's a long past even though it hurts sometimes, I
can't forget you. It's easy to feel the pain even
though it fades away.
Close my eyes and fall asleep, I'm already gone.
I'm in way too deep.
Suffer
I cried myself into sleep last night. An unstable
sleep moved by the pain received from you.
Tortured by nightmares, awaking every hour.
Bathing in my own sweat, staring at the ceiling.
Even though everything is grey I keep on staring. Don't
want to close my eyes cuz I'm afraid of the pain.
Wish you were here to soothe the pain. To take me in your
arms and gently touch my face.
This fucked up face that lies on the pillow terrorised by
the pain inside. Understanding why this happened but not
happy with it. Counting the seconds since you left me.
Thinking about you, wondering if you are asleep or worrying
about this pain you caused me.
The guilt building up in you, scratching away the edges of your
rest. Feeling guilty for what you've done to me.
Saying you're sorry, over and over again. Hoping you'll
be excused. Forgiven by my soul.
I never blamed you for your mistake. That's why
I suffer while I wonder what I did wrong.
sleep moved by the pain received from you.
Tortured by nightmares, awaking every hour.
Bathing in my own sweat, staring at the ceiling.
Even though everything is grey I keep on staring. Don't
want to close my eyes cuz I'm afraid of the pain.
Wish you were here to soothe the pain. To take me in your
arms and gently touch my face.
This fucked up face that lies on the pillow terrorised by
the pain inside. Understanding why this happened but not
happy with it. Counting the seconds since you left me.
Thinking about you, wondering if you are asleep or worrying
about this pain you caused me.
The guilt building up in you, scratching away the edges of your
rest. Feeling guilty for what you've done to me.
Saying you're sorry, over and over again. Hoping you'll
be excused. Forgiven by my soul.
I never blamed you for your mistake. That's why
I suffer while I wonder what I did wrong.
Lijden
Ik voel de pijn, alomtegenwoordig. Net onder mijn
schedel, bonzend en traag.
Geen gevoel meer in m'n hart, alsof het niet meer bestaat.
Het snikken vult de kamer met een bitter geluid. M'n mouw
doordrenkt van de tranen. De hete tranen die maar niet stoppen
met vloeien. Waarom is de wereld zo lelijk tegen mij???
Waarom voel je niet zoals ik me voelde?
Waarom lijd deze weg mij naar hier? Waarom deze hel?
Waarom heb ik dit verdient?
Waarom...
Tracht de pijn te grijpen met mijn zwakke handen.
Tracht te grijpen maar dit rottend vlees zit in de weg.
Voel mij ziek, hoestend en huilend denkend aan jou. Zin
om mezelf te verminken met de vraag WHY?
Dit rottend vlees weg te snijden zodat de pijn bereikbaar wordt.
Sta recht en ga naar buiten, de regenende nacht in. Zonder
enig doel, het snikken proberen te onderdrukken.
Ik voel de ziekte de pijn inhalen, de pijn wordt ondraaglijk.
Niet opzettelijk gekwetst, doch grondig vernietigd.
Heb tijd nodig om de pijn te laten uitdoven. Tot het weer
sluimerend onder mijn vel zit te wachten.
Nooit perfect geweest, zal het ook nooit worden. Enkel de pijn
is volmaakt en volledig in volle kracht.
Ik herriner me dat je zei dat alle pijn voorbijgaat. Maar de
pijn nu is nog sterker dan ervoor.
Steeds hopend dat het nog goed komt met ons, ondanks deze
bloedende ziel.
Waarom...
schedel, bonzend en traag.
Geen gevoel meer in m'n hart, alsof het niet meer bestaat.
Het snikken vult de kamer met een bitter geluid. M'n mouw
doordrenkt van de tranen. De hete tranen die maar niet stoppen
met vloeien. Waarom is de wereld zo lelijk tegen mij???
Waarom voel je niet zoals ik me voelde?
Waarom lijd deze weg mij naar hier? Waarom deze hel?
Waarom heb ik dit verdient?
Waarom...
Tracht de pijn te grijpen met mijn zwakke handen.
Tracht te grijpen maar dit rottend vlees zit in de weg.
Voel mij ziek, hoestend en huilend denkend aan jou. Zin
om mezelf te verminken met de vraag WHY?
Dit rottend vlees weg te snijden zodat de pijn bereikbaar wordt.
Sta recht en ga naar buiten, de regenende nacht in. Zonder
enig doel, het snikken proberen te onderdrukken.
Ik voel de ziekte de pijn inhalen, de pijn wordt ondraaglijk.
Niet opzettelijk gekwetst, doch grondig vernietigd.
Heb tijd nodig om de pijn te laten uitdoven. Tot het weer
sluimerend onder mijn vel zit te wachten.
Nooit perfect geweest, zal het ook nooit worden. Enkel de pijn
is volmaakt en volledig in volle kracht.
Ik herriner me dat je zei dat alle pijn voorbijgaat. Maar de
pijn nu is nog sterker dan ervoor.
Steeds hopend dat het nog goed komt met ons, ondanks deze
bloedende ziel.
Waarom...
Indescribable
No words can tell how I feel as I lie out there with you.
In the perfect dark night looking at the stars. With everything
I need in front of me. Not able to grip this reality.
It's just 2 perfect. My head on your lap my eyes closed
so I can see through you, see and feel the real you.
A soft kiss on the corner of my mouth sends a
shiver through my spine.
Amazed about the inner beauty I open my eyes and
look at you. Hold your hand with mine while thanking
the powers that be.
A single wish granted from the stars. Hearing the
rippling water on the background still looking at you.
Enjoying the moment while it lasts. The feeling which is
indescribable rips my thoughts and fills my head with
your face. Taste your fingers on my lips as I lie
there. Found a place for my head.
Defensiveless I lie out there, weak without my
Shell but as happy as I'll ever be.
Dedicated to Annelies
In the perfect dark night looking at the stars. With everything
I need in front of me. Not able to grip this reality.
It's just 2 perfect. My head on your lap my eyes closed
so I can see through you, see and feel the real you.
A soft kiss on the corner of my mouth sends a
shiver through my spine.
Amazed about the inner beauty I open my eyes and
look at you. Hold your hand with mine while thanking
the powers that be.
A single wish granted from the stars. Hearing the
rippling water on the background still looking at you.
Enjoying the moment while it lasts. The feeling which is
indescribable rips my thoughts and fills my head with
your face. Taste your fingers on my lips as I lie
there. Found a place for my head.
Defensiveless I lie out there, weak without my
Shell but as happy as I'll ever be.
Dedicated to Annelies
Dislocated
Wandering in my room, wondering what this feeling inside is.
No clear emotion or did I forget how it feels to love...
Locked away from the world living in the shell that protected
me from everything but myself.
Slumbering in this so called "safe" place which was my own.
Fucking with my own head, hurting every day. Talking to
myself in the dark going slightly mad. No trace of trespassers or curious
people. Left alone with my own.
No one to listen even the shadows are still and dark, reaching
in my mind.
Time goes by, deprivated from the outside. Apatheticly staring
in the dark.
Bleeding inside, drowned in the red pool within.
Now I know what I feel. It is love that I feel mixed with
fear. No love for myself but someone out there, accompanied with
fear. Scared of the inevitable, of returning to my corner.
Being sentenced for my imperfection. Nobody loves imperfection,
being shallow and inspecting the outside.
Bury me for just a while and try to realize the meaning of
unconditional love.
I don't wanna live life lonely
No clear emotion or did I forget how it feels to love...
Locked away from the world living in the shell that protected
me from everything but myself.
Slumbering in this so called "safe" place which was my own.
Fucking with my own head, hurting every day. Talking to
myself in the dark going slightly mad. No trace of trespassers or curious
people. Left alone with my own.
No one to listen even the shadows are still and dark, reaching
in my mind.
Time goes by, deprivated from the outside. Apatheticly staring
in the dark.
Bleeding inside, drowned in the red pool within.
Now I know what I feel. It is love that I feel mixed with
fear. No love for myself but someone out there, accompanied with
fear. Scared of the inevitable, of returning to my corner.
Being sentenced for my imperfection. Nobody loves imperfection,
being shallow and inspecting the outside.
Bury me for just a while and try to realize the meaning of
unconditional love.
I don't wanna live life lonely
Tie the knot
Shielding the doubt from your eyes. Protecting
you from me. I tie the knot that
binds us. So tight it won't break, the rope
from me to you. Watching over it, day and night.
See it bending, twisting and even burst. But
never saw it break.
The desolation from you scares me. Every day again
I'm afraid of coming home. Afraid I'll hear that you
have feelings for someone else. That we have
to continue our lifes apart.
The love gone and all by myself, corrupted
in heart and soul staring at the image
in the broken mirror.
Trembling before my thoughts of pain and
agony. Try to reminisce but the past looks so unreal.
The waiting and suffering is all in vain. The hope
taken away with your heart. My name
scratched from your thoughts, your name stained
on my bleeding soul.
Suffer
So afraid that you'll leave. Fearing the consequences
that I should face.
Tie our hearts together so that they may beat
in unity...
you from me. I tie the knot that
binds us. So tight it won't break, the rope
from me to you. Watching over it, day and night.
See it bending, twisting and even burst. But
never saw it break.
The desolation from you scares me. Every day again
I'm afraid of coming home. Afraid I'll hear that you
have feelings for someone else. That we have
to continue our lifes apart.
The love gone and all by myself, corrupted
in heart and soul staring at the image
in the broken mirror.
Trembling before my thoughts of pain and
agony. Try to reminisce but the past looks so unreal.
The waiting and suffering is all in vain. The hope
taken away with your heart. My name
scratched from your thoughts, your name stained
on my bleeding soul.
Suffer
So afraid that you'll leave. Fearing the consequences
that I should face.
Tie our hearts together so that they may beat
in unity...
Daydream
Alone in my couch in the storm that rages outside.
Rain violently hitting the walls aroun me. The small
fire spreads the warmth into the room. As time
passes the black coal starts glowing into a orange
aura which rises every time the wind blows.
The warmth takes my mind away and leads me
into your arms. Yet I'm alone in the couch.
I can smell you near me. Your breath softly
carressing my cheek. Close my eyes and see
you next to me. Two eyes who stare at me, happy to
see me again and slowly looking in my eyes.
Hesitant your hand searches for mine and holds it like
it could break. Put my arm around you, lay your
head on my chest and run my fingers through
your soft hair.
Surrounded by silence and dozens of candles
The sound of our breathing soothing every hurting
thought or painfull emotion. An oasis of rest and
peace in an chaotic world.
As I stroke your body a smile appears on your face
and you look gratefull in my eyes.
Just as I was gonna say that I love you, I'm called
back to reality by the ringing phone.
Maybe the dream can become reality...
Rain violently hitting the walls aroun me. The small
fire spreads the warmth into the room. As time
passes the black coal starts glowing into a orange
aura which rises every time the wind blows.
The warmth takes my mind away and leads me
into your arms. Yet I'm alone in the couch.
I can smell you near me. Your breath softly
carressing my cheek. Close my eyes and see
you next to me. Two eyes who stare at me, happy to
see me again and slowly looking in my eyes.
Hesitant your hand searches for mine and holds it like
it could break. Put my arm around you, lay your
head on my chest and run my fingers through
your soft hair.
Surrounded by silence and dozens of candles
The sound of our breathing soothing every hurting
thought or painfull emotion. An oasis of rest and
peace in an chaotic world.
As I stroke your body a smile appears on your face
and you look gratefull in my eyes.
Just as I was gonna say that I love you, I'm called
back to reality by the ringing phone.
Maybe the dream can become reality...
Butterflies
Back at the beginning, where everything started.
A hoarse voice whispers in my ear.
Welcome home my friend, I've been waiting
for you. Everything's just as I remembered, complete
darkness all around. Not even a particle of
hope or happyness around.
The silence is overwhelming and yet the voice
is still in my head. Remembering me of what
happened. My heart turns inside out while
my mind tries to reminisce.
It was all too late. The last spark of
hope left my body like a butterfly
in the summer leaves it's cocoon.
Doubts is what killed me even though my mind
was never aware.
Naive enough to believe in unconditional love from
the other side. Waiting for something that's inachievable.
Not knowing that it would be in vain.
Still loving her he knows...
That in the end he'll be alone anyway.
A hoarse voice whispers in my ear.
Welcome home my friend, I've been waiting
for you. Everything's just as I remembered, complete
darkness all around. Not even a particle of
hope or happyness around.
The silence is overwhelming and yet the voice
is still in my head. Remembering me of what
happened. My heart turns inside out while
my mind tries to reminisce.
It was all too late. The last spark of
hope left my body like a butterfly
in the summer leaves it's cocoon.
Doubts is what killed me even though my mind
was never aware.
Naive enough to believe in unconditional love from
the other side. Waiting for something that's inachievable.
Not knowing that it would be in vain.
Still loving her he knows...
That in the end he'll be alone anyway.
Rest
As weary as I can be I stumble through my life.
Try to stand strong when I'm not alone. Inconspicuous
making my way through every day.
Pain and disappointments mount onto unknown
heights. Lost my last resort, my only private haven.
I felt lost and alone. Twisted by faith while
following my destiny.
I finally found rest. I feel weak when
I'm in your arms. Try not to cry when
it's already too late.
Letting go all emotions while I know that
I'm savely surrounded by your warmth.
The outside world looks so distant and
threatening while I'm in a small bubble
with you.
Holding you tight while I open my heart and
speak the language of the mute.
I fall asleep with the certainty that your
face will still be there when I wake up.
Try to stand strong when I'm not alone. Inconspicuous
making my way through every day.
Pain and disappointments mount onto unknown
heights. Lost my last resort, my only private haven.
I felt lost and alone. Twisted by faith while
following my destiny.
I finally found rest. I feel weak when
I'm in your arms. Try not to cry when
it's already too late.
Letting go all emotions while I know that
I'm savely surrounded by your warmth.
The outside world looks so distant and
threatening while I'm in a small bubble
with you.
Holding you tight while I open my heart and
speak the language of the mute.
I fall asleep with the certainty that your
face will still be there when I wake up.
Tainted soul
Night falls, the moon shines through the clouds
onto the shallow water. Once
more I'm thinking about forever. The wind
carreses the small pond and the surface gently
wrinkles. Vacant my mind thinks about
us. Vaguely aware of my pain, considering
about our relation. All our problems ressemble
a fucked up photo. Something that could never
be fixed by me. You tainted my soul
with you natural beauty and intriguing
personality. Let my soul be cursed
as long as I can live in your heart.
The moon hides behind the leaveless
branches of the dead trees.
A raven looks over my tainted soul
untill it's his to devour.
My heart is still beating for you.
Untill eternity.
onto the shallow water. Once
more I'm thinking about forever. The wind
carreses the small pond and the surface gently
wrinkles. Vacant my mind thinks about
us. Vaguely aware of my pain, considering
about our relation. All our problems ressemble
a fucked up photo. Something that could never
be fixed by me. You tainted my soul
with you natural beauty and intriguing
personality. Let my soul be cursed
as long as I can live in your heart.
The moon hides behind the leaveless
branches of the dead trees.
A raven looks over my tainted soul
untill it's his to devour.
My heart is still beating for you.
Untill eternity.
Everything to lose
Somewhere out there there's someone who
loves you. Someone who
would do anything for you. Someone who
would never betraye you, even
though his heart is cracking up.
The slow pain that slumbers in his soul,
the constant hurting in his mind.
Someone who couldn't care less about
himself. Only has you on his mind.
Patiently waiting untill forgiven. Trembling
before you judgement. Nothing but a slave,
a toy which can be mould into every
shape. Scared for what may come.
No hope left in his sturdy soul. Something
scratches beneath the surface.
He contains it within his body and won't
set it free.
Won't release the rage and frustration followed
by the endless amount of tears and pain.
Release him from the doubt and bring life
to the lifeless.
loves you. Someone who
would do anything for you. Someone who
would never betraye you, even
though his heart is cracking up.
The slow pain that slumbers in his soul,
the constant hurting in his mind.
Someone who couldn't care less about
himself. Only has you on his mind.
Patiently waiting untill forgiven. Trembling
before you judgement. Nothing but a slave,
a toy which can be mould into every
shape. Scared for what may come.
No hope left in his sturdy soul. Something
scratches beneath the surface.
He contains it within his body and won't
set it free.
Won't release the rage and frustration followed
by the endless amount of tears and pain.
Release him from the doubt and bring life
to the lifeless.
Nothing to gain
Thinking of lost memories. Faded feelings which
were replaced by others. People I knew and friends
came and left. Wrong decisions and hatred resulted
into fights. Filled with rage, forgetting about
rational thinking I acted foolish. There was
nothing to gain.
Regrets take control and tears are shed.
Nothing but chaos. Losing my mind over some
unworthy bitches. Blaming myself,
taking the pain to another level. A pain so
intense I broke, barely surviving.
Collected my shattered remains and started all over.
Forgot about the past turned my heart into this cold black rock.
Continued life with the constant threat from outside.
The pain remained and reminded me of myself as a being.
Even though I wasn't that bad I got beaten down more than
once. Making me hate myself.
Good for nothing, a piece of shit, just another nobody.
I was led down by a spiral. Looking at my own end
and actually happy to see it. To know that it would
all be over soon.
But than you came into my life. At first I didn't
really noticed it. I was too busy with myself, with
my pain. But everytime I saw you something changed.
I didn't knew it then but when you told me I saw you
were right.You showed me my good side told me that I was
a nice guy. I couldn't believe it. That someone actually
didn't hurt me because of what I was.
I realized that since a long time I felt an inner peace.
I loved you for what you did. Never gonna forget what you achieved.
I still love you. Even when you hurt
me sometimes. Beating me into the ground with what you say.
Then I return to that world of infinite pain and blame
myself. Hoping for you to heal my wounds.
Tired of all the fighting. It destroys more than you'll
ever know. I never wanna hurt you.
Love me like I love You.
Dedicated to britt.
were replaced by others. People I knew and friends
came and left. Wrong decisions and hatred resulted
into fights. Filled with rage, forgetting about
rational thinking I acted foolish. There was
nothing to gain.
Regrets take control and tears are shed.
Nothing but chaos. Losing my mind over some
unworthy bitches. Blaming myself,
taking the pain to another level. A pain so
intense I broke, barely surviving.
Collected my shattered remains and started all over.
Forgot about the past turned my heart into this cold black rock.
Continued life with the constant threat from outside.
The pain remained and reminded me of myself as a being.
Even though I wasn't that bad I got beaten down more than
once. Making me hate myself.
Good for nothing, a piece of shit, just another nobody.
I was led down by a spiral. Looking at my own end
and actually happy to see it. To know that it would
all be over soon.
But than you came into my life. At first I didn't
really noticed it. I was too busy with myself, with
my pain. But everytime I saw you something changed.
I didn't knew it then but when you told me I saw you
were right.You showed me my good side told me that I was
a nice guy. I couldn't believe it. That someone actually
didn't hurt me because of what I was.
I realized that since a long time I felt an inner peace.
I loved you for what you did. Never gonna forget what you achieved.
I still love you. Even when you hurt
me sometimes. Beating me into the ground with what you say.
Then I return to that world of infinite pain and blame
myself. Hoping for you to heal my wounds.
Tired of all the fighting. It destroys more than you'll
ever know. I never wanna hurt you.
Love me like I love You.
Dedicated to britt.
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